thoughts for tuesday

here are some of the thoughts i have been having lately.

• I feel like all of my friends are moving on without me and having kids. I want kids too! and so i can buy cute clothes and see all the funny things they do :)
• I am absolutely terrified of having kids and change my mind at least 3 times a day whether i think i can handle it or not. 
• At the moment I feel like I am ready. In an hour when my awful headaches kick in and my joint pain i will probably change my mind again. 
• Mac needs to be trained. He jumps on people and barks at cars trying to chase them as we go on walks and it is really annoying. 
• Mac also makes me laugh every day. he has the funniest personality. 
• I am still addicted to reading. I love it. It hurts holding books and finding a comfortable position to read in and yet at the same time it takes my mind off my pain. 
• I see Cisco for maybe an hour a day right now and that is usually after 9 or 10 at night. He is way too busy. 
• I feel like i may never find a job. I also am not trying that hard to look for one. It is exhausting. 
• I want someone to hand me a job. Working part time. a few days a week. in a doctors office or hospital. is that so much to ask?
• I want my house to be clean all the time. We can't seem to master keeping clutter off our flat surfaces. We joke that hurricane Katrina frequently is a visitor at our home. 
• This weather is crazy! Anyone else think all the tsunami's, earthquakes, and tornadoes are a little much considering it is only May?
• It is almost June and we have only had a few sunny summer days! I am sick of the cold. I don't mind the rain but seriously, Mac and i are getting a little stir crazy inside all day!
• I am ready for my headaches to go away and never come back. That is why i didn't certify as a personal trainer. I can't do most exercises without triggering a nasty headache. I should probably figure that out.
• I started going to a chiropractor which i am actually impressed with. And i get a professional massage every 3 weeks. That gets expensive. 
• And i am not contributing any money to our little family. 
• I probably should get a job soon. 
• But not too soon because we leave for our cruise to the Bahama's in 3 weeks!!!Oh That is going to be a nice break.

Those are some of the random thoughts i have been having lately. My honest thoughts. That's all for today!

reminded by regina

I love music. it can change your mood (whether better or worse).
This one line in this one song reminded me that i have a perfect body.
even if it hurts and i feel like it doesn't function properly sometimes.

"I've got a perfect body, but sometimes i forget,

I've got a perfect body 'cause my eyelashes catch my sweat, yes they do.

Yes they do. "

I'm sure if i worked out enough to sweat, my eyelashes would catch it.
because that is how well my body is designed.
Thank you Regina Spektor for reminding me. 

 

 

the end of this chapter

I will be done with school in about a month and i can't believe it. I have seriously had some hard times getting through my college classes but somehow i have done it and with decent grades too. I have had some incomplete grades and had to spend a summer finishing a class (thank you gall-stones for coming during finals week of freshman year) and i have struggled to teach myself an entire semester of material after missing so much class. But i have done it. I am proud of myself. There are things i wish i could change, but never the less i am proud. I couldn't have done it without amazing teachers who have been willing to work with me. My favorite classes have been my major classes these past semesters and i really am going to miss going to class because i love learning. I am not going to miss papers, homework, or tests AT ALL though. 

I have also learned a lot about myself these past 5 years. First: I have learned it is ok to ask for help.I am a procrastinator. There is no denying that. So when i procrastinate writing a paper until the week before it is due and then get hit with some major flare-ups, i have set myself up for stress and seriously consider giving up. This happens every midterm season and every finals week. Without fail. I have also learned it is ok to ask for help from my husband or my family. My mom is amazing. what more can i say? She helped me get through some really stressful times and even helped me write a paper during the worst 2 weeks of my entire education.

Second: I have learned i don't handle stress well. While this sounds like a negative thing, once i discovered this i was able to avoid making things worse. For example, I knew getting married in the middle of the semester was never something i could do. That is why i told Cisco "I am not getting married until May, propose accordingly"....So he proposed in October :). I am also probably not one of those girls that could have a baby in the middle of the semester on a Friday and be back in class Monday morning. No joke i have had this happen in several of my classes. Love BYU.

Third: giving up is never the answer. I went through some really rough times the past 5 years. I had some low times with physical health, mental health, and spiritual health. but i learned that throwing in the towel in any of these areas is never the answer. I have to work to keep my physical health. I have to work to keep myself positive. I have to work to maintain my spirituality and remember that trials don't last forever (even though it sure seems like it sometimes) and that I have this trial for a reason. Honestly, I have been that person saying "why me??" and it is more frequent than i would like to admit. 
Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, i could go on all day with things i have learned. But the one thing that is my bright side through all of my health problems, is the fact that i have the gospel. When i have tried to deal with these problems on my own (usually in frustration), life is not possible for me. The only way i have gotten through any of this is by having the gospel in my life. I have a strong church community to rely on. I have scriptures and prophets to get answers from. I have the knowledge of the Atonement and that our Savior not only suffered for every person's sins, but he felt every pain. He knows what it is like when my muscles hurt so bad i can't walk. He knows the pain of my headaches that never go away. He knows what it feels like when my joints hurt so bad and i cry in frustration on the mornings when i can't open my prescription bottles or makeup. He knows. And that knowledge helps me get through the day. 

I want to take full advantage of the amazing opportunities i have and really live my life to its fullest. 
That's it for now.