new illness

Fall. The leaves are beautiful and it is getting cooler! My lungs are having fun trying to breath normal in this cold weather and it is kind of awkward when you are coughing a nasty cough in public and people think you must be very ill and shouldn't be out of the house. Sorry folks, let me bust out my handy dandy inhaler and take a few puffs. (I always feel like such a nerd, i blame movies for this). But that is not the title of this post. I have a NEW illness to add to my list. This one is serious, and i didn't realize how real it would be........

Senioritis folks. I am a Senior in College and it is midterms. I am SO ready to be done. Barely passing? That's OK by me!! C-? I really am not feeling too bad about that. I am loving my classes this semester and am learning so much so i don't mind if it doesn't show up on my report card. I have missed quite a few classes semester and have stressed myself beyond reason trying to stay 100% caught up and maintaining my 3.4 GPA but you know what? There is no need. I need to take care of myself and if i graduate with a 3.2 instead of a 3.4, no one is really going to care. I am proud of what I have accomplished. How have i pulled off mostly A's and B's when I miss 1/2 of the semester? I didn't do it on my own that's for sure. It is 12:45 am and i am trying to memorize Jewish terms like Halakhah, Aggadan, Mitzvot, Taryag, etc for my Judaism & the Gospel class. Such an interesting class but i have found over the past 2 years my brain has strictly converted to Health related information making it impossible to learn and remember anything else. I will take calculating BMI and VO2 max any day over memorizing facts.
I am going to miss taking classes when i am graduated, but i am really not going to miss the homework and the never-in-bed-before-1am-nights. 
So my goal for tomorrow's midterm, no matter what grade i get i am going to leave the testing center singing some self motivating song. Here are a few of my ideas...
"at first i was afraid, i was petrified.......I will survive"
"We are the champions my friends, and we'll keep on fighting to the end"
Maybe i will settle for humming Chariot's of Fire or a little Rocky. 

i think i can i think i can

school is starting to get stressful as we approach my 2nd least favorite time of the year....midterms. with that being said, any guesses what my number 1 least favorite time of the school year is? i always get stressed out and overwhelmed during midterms trying to stay caught up on homework and studying for tests when i have already missed a lot of classes this first month. i usually feel like there is too much to possibly do in the time i have and feel like there is no way i can get through it all. and yet, i have gotten through midterms 12 times before in my college career and made it through every time! (that includes my spring and summer semesters over the years). This year isn't even going to be that bad. after missing a lot of my 10:00 class due to some unfortunate headaches, i decided it would be best to withdraw from the class and try it again next semester. There is no point in stressing myself out and not learning anything in this class when i still have to take a class next semester anyways. I am proud of myself for getting through what i have accomplished and am so close to being done. I always loved that book growing up The Little Engine That Could and it seems to have turned out to be a good motto for my life. "i think i can, i think i can." I think i can and somehow i always make it over the hill. I'm grateful i don't have to do it on my own. Grateful for my Heavenly Father, Priesthood blessings, encouraging family members, and understanding teachers.

 on the bright side: I got to stay with the cutest couple down in St. George while helping out with the senior olympics. She had Fibromyalgia as well and it was great talking to her. her and her cute husband are very happy and are best friends. glad i have a best friend to help me through life every day.

rough spots: headaches have continued to get worse with no relief. my body seems to have given up on the idea of letting Advil or Excedrin work to help relieve the pain but i have appointments with some of my old neurologists to see if we can brainstorm some creative solutions. hoping for the best!

"Finding and Loving Your Beauty"

Tonight I got to hear Stephanie Nielson speak (of NieNieDialogues.blogspot.com) and she was amazing! Hundreds of women showed up and all crammed into the BYU Ballroom in the Wilkinson Center. It was such a touching story to hear of her experience. Although I struggle with self-esteem as much as the next girl, some of the things she said really hit me because I have felt exactly like that at times. When she was trying to figure out what she would look like she had to tell herself, "I am not my body." When I wake up in pain, go through my day in pain, and go to sleep in pain, I tend to let my pains define who I am. Stephanie Nielson helped me remember that my body doesn't define who I am. I have a personality, skills, strengths, and talents underneath all my pains that make me who I really am. I also really connected to what she said when told us how she felt. She said, "I felt inadequate as a mother, as a women, and as a human being." That was putting exactly how i often feel into words. So often i feel like i will be an inadequate mother and wife because of the limitations i have living with chronic pain. How am i supposed to take care of a child when i can barely take care of myself? It is hard to imagine picking up a crying baby when my joints are on fire, or not being able to console a crying child when my head feels like it is about to burst but i have to remember how many things i have accomplished that i never thought would be possible and being a mother will be the greatest accomplishment of my life. I have gotten through 5 years of college and gotten As and Bs. I am about to get my degree in Exercise and Wellness and have learned so much about ways to help my situation and ways to help others. I am happily married (this is one i never thought would be possible) and have such an amazing husband who does more for me than i could have asked for. I have worked for LDS Philanthropies for over 2 years and have hardly missed because of my health problems. Stephanie Nielson's talk was titled "Finding and Loving Your Beauty" and that is what i have done in a way. Although i get caught up thinking i am no good because i can't do the things my friends do, what other mothers/wives do at my age, etc, i have accomplished so much and this makes my Heavenly Father smile. He is proud of me. I am proud of myself. That is a beautiful thing.

If you haven't ever seen this video the LDS church made about Stephanie Nielson, I HIGHLY recommend it. So touching and inspiring.