thoughts for tuesday

here are some of the thoughts i have been having lately.

• I feel like all of my friends are moving on without me and having kids. I want kids too! and so i can buy cute clothes and see all the funny things they do :)
• I am absolutely terrified of having kids and change my mind at least 3 times a day whether i think i can handle it or not. 
• At the moment I feel like I am ready. In an hour when my awful headaches kick in and my joint pain i will probably change my mind again. 
• Mac needs to be trained. He jumps on people and barks at cars trying to chase them as we go on walks and it is really annoying. 
• Mac also makes me laugh every day. he has the funniest personality. 
• I am still addicted to reading. I love it. It hurts holding books and finding a comfortable position to read in and yet at the same time it takes my mind off my pain. 
• I see Cisco for maybe an hour a day right now and that is usually after 9 or 10 at night. He is way too busy. 
• I feel like i may never find a job. I also am not trying that hard to look for one. It is exhausting. 
• I want someone to hand me a job. Working part time. a few days a week. in a doctors office or hospital. is that so much to ask?
• I want my house to be clean all the time. We can't seem to master keeping clutter off our flat surfaces. We joke that hurricane Katrina frequently is a visitor at our home. 
• This weather is crazy! Anyone else think all the tsunami's, earthquakes, and tornadoes are a little much considering it is only May?
• It is almost June and we have only had a few sunny summer days! I am sick of the cold. I don't mind the rain but seriously, Mac and i are getting a little stir crazy inside all day!
• I am ready for my headaches to go away and never come back. That is why i didn't certify as a personal trainer. I can't do most exercises without triggering a nasty headache. I should probably figure that out.
• I started going to a chiropractor which i am actually impressed with. And i get a professional massage every 3 weeks. That gets expensive. 
• And i am not contributing any money to our little family. 
• I probably should get a job soon. 
• But not too soon because we leave for our cruise to the Bahama's in 3 weeks!!!Oh That is going to be a nice break.

Those are some of the random thoughts i have been having lately. My honest thoughts. That's all for today!

reminded by regina

I love music. it can change your mood (whether better or worse).
This one line in this one song reminded me that i have a perfect body.
even if it hurts and i feel like it doesn't function properly sometimes.

"I've got a perfect body, but sometimes i forget,

I've got a perfect body 'cause my eyelashes catch my sweat, yes they do.

Yes they do. "

I'm sure if i worked out enough to sweat, my eyelashes would catch it.
because that is how well my body is designed.
Thank you Regina Spektor for reminding me. 

 

 

the end of this chapter

I will be done with school in about a month and i can't believe it. I have seriously had some hard times getting through my college classes but somehow i have done it and with decent grades too. I have had some incomplete grades and had to spend a summer finishing a class (thank you gall-stones for coming during finals week of freshman year) and i have struggled to teach myself an entire semester of material after missing so much class. But i have done it. I am proud of myself. There are things i wish i could change, but never the less i am proud. I couldn't have done it without amazing teachers who have been willing to work with me. My favorite classes have been my major classes these past semesters and i really am going to miss going to class because i love learning. I am not going to miss papers, homework, or tests AT ALL though. 

I have also learned a lot about myself these past 5 years. First: I have learned it is ok to ask for help.I am a procrastinator. There is no denying that. So when i procrastinate writing a paper until the week before it is due and then get hit with some major flare-ups, i have set myself up for stress and seriously consider giving up. This happens every midterm season and every finals week. Without fail. I have also learned it is ok to ask for help from my husband or my family. My mom is amazing. what more can i say? She helped me get through some really stressful times and even helped me write a paper during the worst 2 weeks of my entire education.

Second: I have learned i don't handle stress well. While this sounds like a negative thing, once i discovered this i was able to avoid making things worse. For example, I knew getting married in the middle of the semester was never something i could do. That is why i told Cisco "I am not getting married until May, propose accordingly"....So he proposed in October :). I am also probably not one of those girls that could have a baby in the middle of the semester on a Friday and be back in class Monday morning. No joke i have had this happen in several of my classes. Love BYU.

Third: giving up is never the answer. I went through some really rough times the past 5 years. I had some low times with physical health, mental health, and spiritual health. but i learned that throwing in the towel in any of these areas is never the answer. I have to work to keep my physical health. I have to work to keep myself positive. I have to work to maintain my spirituality and remember that trials don't last forever (even though it sure seems like it sometimes) and that I have this trial for a reason. Honestly, I have been that person saying "why me??" and it is more frequent than i would like to admit. 
Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, i could go on all day with things i have learned. But the one thing that is my bright side through all of my health problems, is the fact that i have the gospel. When i have tried to deal with these problems on my own (usually in frustration), life is not possible for me. The only way i have gotten through any of this is by having the gospel in my life. I have a strong church community to rely on. I have scriptures and prophets to get answers from. I have the knowledge of the Atonement and that our Savior not only suffered for every person's sins, but he felt every pain. He knows what it is like when my muscles hurt so bad i can't walk. He knows the pain of my headaches that never go away. He knows what it feels like when my joints hurt so bad and i cry in frustration on the mornings when i can't open my prescription bottles or makeup. He knows. And that knowledge helps me get through the day. 

I want to take full advantage of the amazing opportunities i have and really live my life to its fullest. 
That's it for now.

Charity

several weeks ago Cisco and I gave talks in our sacrament meeting at church on charity. I just wanted to keep this as a record for myself. It was a good process preparing for this talk and these are things i need to read often. especially during weeks like the ones i have been having lately where i have felt nauseated every day and sick to my stomach for no reason. My body seems to be rejecting the stress i am putting it through with finals and i am so worn out. i just need to remember that this will pass, it is only just a moment in the scheme of things. i am not alone dealing with this. 

**for the few of you who stumble upon this post, please don't feel like you need to read the whole talk. it is a long talk. it is mostly just for my records.

We have been asked to speak on charity and at first my mind immediately went to helping the poor, the needy, and the sick but as I read more preparing for my talk, I realized what charity truly means to me.

I have grown and learned many things through the my experiences in life so far but one sure thing I’ve learned is that I cannot make it in this life on my own.  We need the help of the lord because there is so much in this world that we don’t understand, can’t comprehend or simply cannot handle by ourselves. 

My life has been filled with trails and oppositions that I have been unprepared to handle and many times have become depressed and discouraged. 

Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with the stresses that life brings that I forget to turn to my Heavenly Father.  It is in these times that my Heavenly Father knows the only way to reach me is through those around me.  This happens in my life over and over and I am so grateful that my Father in Heaven can use those around me to reach me when I am struggling. It is these people that exemplify what charity really means to me. It is being there for other people in the happy times and the hard times. It is loving others the way Christ would love us. Christ is there to comfort us when we are in need of comfort but he would also celebrate our triumphs and successes with us. As we strive to develop the pure love of Christ, we will sincerely feel the sorrow of those we love as they feel their burden’s weighing down on them and will rejoice with them when they experience the joyous moments in life.

Charity is the pure love of Christ. It is the love that Christ has for the children of men and that the children of men should have for one another. It is the highest, noblest, and strongest kind of love and the most joyous to the soul. It is one of the greatest gifts we can receive from our Heavenly Father, and it is a gift and blessing we need to pray to receive.

I remember a talk from our last General Conference by Elder Uchtdorf called “You are My hands”. He tells the story of a statue of Jesus Christ that was severely damaged in a bombing in World War II. The statue had been a symbol for the people of this city of faith and of God’s presence in their lives.

He continues this story saying, “Experts were able to repair most of the statue, but its hands had been damaged so severely that they could not be restored. Some suggested that they hire a sculptor to make new hands, but others wanted to leave it as it was—a permanent reminder of the tragedy of war. Ultimately, the statue remained without hands. However, the people of the city added on the base of the statue of Jesus Christ a sign with these words: “You are my hands.””

 I remember one specific example last year when I was really struggling with the trials I had been given. To put it simply, I was sick of them. I was ready for a different trial and felt like this trial had already taken everything out of me. I remember being in a slum for a long time and was having a hard time bringing myself out. One Sunday as I was sitting in Relief Society, I felt like a grouch and didn’t want to be around other people and was taking the opportunity to create a full-blown pity party for myself. A girl I had sat next to a few times came to sit next to me and as we got talking, she told me about some trials she was going through that were very similar to mine. My heart immediately was overcome with compassion and at the same time sorrow that I had not realized this is what my Father in Heaven had been trying to teach me. A peace came over me and I knew this was my Heavenly Father telling me I was not alone. Even though she was going through a hard time herself, she had felt the need to reach out to me. This simple act or compassion was the reminder I needed to turn myself around. I felt such an overwhelming love for this girl and wanted to do everything I could to help her out. This was just a taste of the pure love that is charity.

In President Hinckley’s book Standing for Something he talks about love as the Lodestar of life. He tells a story about how he and his brother would lie outside looking at the stars. Each night they would find the North Star. The North Star always held its position. It is also known as the Polar Star, the Polestar, or the Lodestar. He reflects on what the Polar Star came to mean to him, “I recognized it as a constant in the midst of change. It was something that could always be counted on, something that was dependable, an anchor in what otherwise appeared to be a moving and unstable firmament.” He goes on to say that “Love is like the Polar Star. In a changing world, it is a constant. It is something that, when sincere, never moves. It is the very essence of the teachings of Christ.”

Love can be the Polar Star of our lives in reaching out to those who need our strength. Every person has a trial, whether it is spiritual, emotional, or physical. For some it may be fear or loss of hope in life but we all have the capacity to reach out to those around us in distress. The Savior is our perfect example and mentor for how to reach out to others. If we are His hands, shouldn’t we do the same?

We should let our hearts and hands be stretched out in compassion toward others but must remember that true love requires action. As Elder Uchtdorf said, “We can speak of love all day long—we can write notes or poems that proclaim it, sing songs that praise it, and preach sermons that encourage it—but until we manifest that love in action, our words are nothing but “sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.””

 It is one of the great challenges we face to follow our Saviors example and take the time and effort to care for others, and as President Hinckley said, “to develop and exercise the one quality that would enable us to change the lives of others—what the scriptures call charity.”

It is when we learn the power of the pure love of Christ that we come to truly understand what was written by John: “God is love; and he that dwelleth in love, dwelleth in God” (1 John 4:16)”

President Uchtdorf ends his talk “You Are My Hands” with the reminder that “as we extend our hands and hearts toward others in Christlike love, something wonderful happens to us. Our own spirits become healed, more refined, and stronger. We become happier, more peaceful, and more receptive to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit.”

I want to close with a few reminders from the Hymn, “Lord, I Would Follow Thee”. It reminds us to “Pause to help and lift another, finding strength beyond [our] own.” "In every quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can’t see.” I hope that to the wounded and the weary we may all show a gentle heart. I hope we can love one another as I know he loves us. He is our strength, our beacon, and we are his servants in this great plan.

I have no idea what is in store for me and I don’t know yet what the lord will ask of me.  What I do know is that I will be able to get to the end because I have a testimony that Jesus Christ is my savior and trust that he will lead me to the great things the he has in store for me. He has blessed me by surrounding me with examples of charity in my husband, my parents, our bishopric and Relief Society sisters. I know that I can draw closer to him as I develop charity towards others and as others develop charity towards me.

I want to bear my testimony that I know the pure love of Christ is really one of the greatest gifts we can ever be given. I have felt His love and have felt his comforting arms around me in the most difficult of times. I have felt His joy as I get through those difficult times and have watched Him send strangers into my life to let me know that He is and always will be there for me. This life is not easy, but though our trials may be fierce winds, they are blowing us towards the promise land.

Mac

Mac, 
We brought you home when you were 12 weeks old and you are adorable. you are also a puppy and can get so hyper. potty training has been annoying and draining. you are so expensive with your toys, crates, food, and everything else you will need in these next coming months. those first few days i was running low on energy when i was waking up early with you. while we like to call you our "precious-punky-puppy", you did something the other day that made me remember how much i need you. I woke up with a severe headache and couldn't even get out of bed. you got in bed with me after your morning bathroom break and were chowing down on your bone at the bottom of the bed. that's when you stopped and came up to me, sniffed my head, and lay down next to me for the rest of the morning. you knew i was in pain and it made me get a little teary eyed. you have done that a few mornings now because i always hurt so bad in the mornings. you just come and rest your head right next to mine and lay quietly while i try to get more sleep. thank you Mac. we love you a lot.
Michelle

 

foam-it-up

Do you ever feel like people would laugh if they could watch you when you are all alone? I know people would laugh at me. For one example: i tend to run into things. A LOT. Seriously, corners are hazardous. I just feel like i need to take the shortest route possible and usually don't quite make it around that edge poking out. Whenever i go to my massage therapist she finds a new bruise i don't remember getting. My work is particularly hazardous because my desk has a corner that sticks out above my waist and bruises on the ribs are more painful.
Another thing i think people would find funny is my use of the rolling pin. I must thank whoever gave us our rolling pin for our wedding. Although i have never ever used it for anything food related (lets face it, i'm not a baker) i use it on a regular basis to massage knots out of my thighs and calves. This usually takes place in the wee hours of the morning when i can't sleep and am sitting on the floor in my kitchen so i don't wake Cisco up. It must look funny as i am trying to get the rolling pin to work out certain areas and it is not always so easy. It is also not the softest thing and i have been known to wake up with bruises on my shins for pushing just a little too hard on that one knot. 
The bright side? I may not have to use my rolling pin any longer! I will be purchasing a Foam Roller which is basically just a dense foam log that you roll your muscles on to work out knots all that fun stuff. If you are still confused you can just google foam rolling and there are 100s of articles about how it is used in every athletic training facility, etc. etc. I decided to get one after my teacher has told us all about how much he loves them and recommends them and after my massage therapist says she uses one and thinks it would really help me in between my massages. I also have met several people who own them and love them so that is my decision. I am excited to get mine and hopefully i will be able to eliminate some of the hassle of using a rolling pin. 

 rough spot: I am missing a lot of classes due to not feeling so great and am WAY behind on my homework.
on the bright side: I am still learning in my classes! like about ways to help myself and others feel better. I really do love my major (Exercise & Wellness)

new illness

Fall. The leaves are beautiful and it is getting cooler! My lungs are having fun trying to breath normal in this cold weather and it is kind of awkward when you are coughing a nasty cough in public and people think you must be very ill and shouldn't be out of the house. Sorry folks, let me bust out my handy dandy inhaler and take a few puffs. (I always feel like such a nerd, i blame movies for this). But that is not the title of this post. I have a NEW illness to add to my list. This one is serious, and i didn't realize how real it would be........

Senioritis folks. I am a Senior in College and it is midterms. I am SO ready to be done. Barely passing? That's OK by me!! C-? I really am not feeling too bad about that. I am loving my classes this semester and am learning so much so i don't mind if it doesn't show up on my report card. I have missed quite a few classes semester and have stressed myself beyond reason trying to stay 100% caught up and maintaining my 3.4 GPA but you know what? There is no need. I need to take care of myself and if i graduate with a 3.2 instead of a 3.4, no one is really going to care. I am proud of what I have accomplished. How have i pulled off mostly A's and B's when I miss 1/2 of the semester? I didn't do it on my own that's for sure. It is 12:45 am and i am trying to memorize Jewish terms like Halakhah, Aggadan, Mitzvot, Taryag, etc for my Judaism & the Gospel class. Such an interesting class but i have found over the past 2 years my brain has strictly converted to Health related information making it impossible to learn and remember anything else. I will take calculating BMI and VO2 max any day over memorizing facts.
I am going to miss taking classes when i am graduated, but i am really not going to miss the homework and the never-in-bed-before-1am-nights. 
So my goal for tomorrow's midterm, no matter what grade i get i am going to leave the testing center singing some self motivating song. Here are a few of my ideas...
"at first i was afraid, i was petrified.......I will survive"
"We are the champions my friends, and we'll keep on fighting to the end"
Maybe i will settle for humming Chariot's of Fire or a little Rocky.